I stopped going to school, and I started calling in sick to work a lot. I wanted to feel motivated, and I felt bad about my lack of drive to do ANYTHING, but I couldn't overcome this darkness that was consuming me.
I had been seeing a counselor for a few months, but gave it up when I headed back to school. Maybe that was a big mistake. All I know is, everything seemed to be crashing down around me, and I felt like I wasn't in control of my life anymore.
School was definitely a big factor. As much as I had come back to Canada specifically to go back to school, I hated my program as soon as I started it. I didn't like my classes, and the practicums were even worse.
I just didn't like teaching in Canada.
The students were rude and didn't care about their education, and they didn't care about me as a teacher. I spent most days frustrated, redoing lesson plans to try and get the students to care about what I was teaching them. Trying to get them to do the assignments I was giving them. Everything was a struggle, a battle... and it just ended up with me hating what I was doing.
And, as the university's policy is, there's never anything wrong with what the students are doing, the problem is with what you're doing. I never agreed with that, and I never will.
The university killed my passion for teaching.
Two month into my starting the education program, I made the decisions to see my doctor about being prescribed some anti-depressants. If I had no motivation two months in... where was I going to find my motivation fourteen months down the line? Things just did not look promising for me.
It wasn't just affecting my school and work life, it was ruining my personal life, too. I became a flake. I would make plans, and then flake out at the last minute. I didn't want to see people, I just wanted to stay in bed and watch Six Feet Under on repeat.
For the good of all of the facets of my life, I needed to make the decision to go onto antidepressants. I didn't see anything else working.
The doctor I went to agreed with me, that maybe trying the medication would improve my quality of life, and, for the next sixteen months, we worked on trying to get the right dosage and the right brand for my situation.
I still struggle day to day with anxiety and depression, but things have gotten a lot better. I think it owes a lot to Robyn being in my life. He's the most supportive and caring person in the world, and he loves me no matter how crazy I am.
Tomorrow I'm going to talk to my doctor about no longer taking my medication. I just feel like I'm at a place in my life where I don't need it anymore, and I don't want to be on it. I don't want to worry about it while I'm on vacation, and I don't want to have to try and find some way to secretly acquire it while I'm in Korea.
I feel like I'm in a really stable and happy place in my life... a world of difference since a year and a half ago. If there's any time to try going off my antidepressants, that time is now. I honestly couldn't ask for a happier life.
So, that's what I'm doing tomorrow, asking my doctor for an IUD, and asking her about going off of my antidepressants. I feel really great about both of these decisions!
Well, that's all for now!