i got, desperate desires and unadmirable plans...

I don't know how to deal.

I will admit that to you, dear reader.

I constantly feel as though my world in caving in on me, like I have fluid in my lungs, and, as I go through my day, I am slowly drowning.  Slowly and painfully drowning, and no one knows it, but me.

It is Wednesday, now, and I haven't left my house since last Friday.

It would be so easy to say that this is due to laziness.  God, I wish this was due to laziness.  At least if this was due to laziness, I could just sit here and be ashamed of myself for that and then do something about it.  Laziness is easy to overcome, you just tell yourself to stop being lazy and do what you want to do.

I'm up by nine thirty every day.  I brush my teeth, I get dressed, I put on makeup most days, I brush my hair... and then it stops there.

It doesn't stop there all the time, some days I'm totally fine, I feel awesome, and I just leave and go do my thing.

I'm not afraid of people, hell, people who have worked with me know that I refuse to take bullshit from anyone.  I can be a total loudmouth, and I have no problem walking up to any customer and striking up a conversation.

I'm not afraid of public spaces.

I don't know what I'm afraid of.

Is it fear?  I don't think it's fear or a phobia... I just feel like I'm being crushed.  You know, when people say it feels like there's an elephant sitting on their chest?  It feels like that.

I can't breathe.

I can't make myself put on my jacket and shoes.

I can't make myself undo the three locks on the door.

I can't make myself leave.

What the fuck is holding me back?  Why is there this imaginary net in front of my door that holds me back?

I make plans, in my mind.

It's 1:30, and, today I wanted to go to the old downtown, take my tattoo design to the studio where I'll be getting it done, to make an appointment, and to get coffee and ride around on the bus listening to my iPod.  I am clearly dressed and ready to go, and I have been since 11 am:

So, why am I blogging instead of doing?  I have no idea.

That's my front door in the picture.  I can take a picture in front of it... but will I actually go outside today?

I don't know.

I want to say yes.

But, right now I'm thinking of leaving, and my heart is pounding, and I'm having trouble breathing.

There's worse days.  Sometimes, I think about leaving, and I start bawling.

This only happens to me on days where I don't have routine.  On days when I work, I'm fine, I get up, get ready, and do my day, no anxiety, I'm fine.  Obligations.

It's the days off, where I have no ACTUAL obligations, that I have trouble.  Unless, I make plans with someone, then it's obligation that makes me go out my front door.  Do I still feel panicky?  Yes, but, I go.

I've always had anxiety.  I don't know what my anxiety is about, though.  It feels like I'm anxious just about being alive.  It's the "what ifs."  What if _____________ happens?

It holds me back from experiencing everything the way I wish I could.

I have all of this vacation time, and I could be going places, and doing things, but, I'm not... because I can't do it alone.

Granted, travel outside of Korea would have been hard to organize, because they kept changing my winter camp dates and length, so, I couldn't book a plane ticket or arrange for visas to travel.  But... would I have gone?

Simply put, no.

I can't.  I just can't travel alone.  The "what ifs" take over, and I feel sick, and panicky, and I can't do it.  I'm even afraid to go to Seoul by myself.  I want to, so badly, but every time I think about it, all of this anxiety builds up, and I start to feel sick, and I start to worry, and I feel like I can't.  And then I won't.

I don't even know how I moved to Korea.

I want to take a day trip to Gwangju tomorrow.  By myself.  Go shopping, buy MAC lipstick, get gifts for my family and friends back home, because I'm leaving in a month.

I've been going back and forth about it for days.

I can doooo it, I'll be fineeeeeee... it's no big deal, take a bus there, Shinsegae department store is attached to the bus terminal, MAC is in the department store, and then take a taxi to the shopping area, find cool stuff, take a taxi back to the bus terminal, and come home.  I should be FINE.

I'm going to get lost.  I'm going to get on the wrong bus.  I'll get into the taxi and tell the driver where I need to go, and none of them will understand me and I'll be stuck in Gwangju.  I'll get lost.  Something bad is going to happen.

It's a constant back and forth, and it never stops.

Will I or won't I?  Who knows...

I would just like to say that I actually DID venture out of the house today.  I psyched myself up at around 2:30, and took that as a sign to dash for the door.

It's like I have to trick myself into leaving, how ridiculous is that?

Anyways, I went to the tattoo parlour, and rang the bell, twice, but no one answered, I felt stupid standing there and waiting, like maybe someone was judging me.  So, I left, got coffee from the coffee shop that has really flirty and cute barrista men (what the eff do you call a male barrista?), which I subsequently spilled a bit of on a girl on the bus when the driver slammed on the brakes and then the gas right after, throwing everyone around, resulting me crying "Mianhamnida!  Miandhamnida!" over and over again while offering her friggin' crumpled receipts because I didn't have tissues.  Felt like a total asshole for the next hour, and was on the verge of tears.  Rode the bus to the end of its route, got on another bus, which I've taken a million times before, but it had changed its route recently, I guess.  Had a mini panic attack that I was going to Dolsan Island or something.  The bus went in the right direction, and I went back to Shinae, walked back to the tattoo parlour, made an appointment for Friday at six, walked back to the bus, had a group of little girls ask me if I was pregnant--thanks : ( stupid ill fitting winter jacket--and then went home.

Yes, I just randomly ride the bus.  It gives me a chance to be out of the house and listen to my iPod and just be moving.

My fear of doing things, and my horrifyingly bad depression that I've been experiencing for the past while have made me decide that I'm going to find a doctor and get some meds when I get back to Canada.  I can't cope with this bullshit anymore.  And, while the therapy I've been enrolled in for the past while has been helping me cope with what I went through with the evil ex, it's been doing VERY LITTLE to help me deal with my depression and anxiety.

I've been on meds twice for depression.  The first time was fresh out of high school, just as I was starting university.  I will admit that I was not the best at adhering to the recommended way of taking said medications.  Basically, if I felt okay, I didn't take them, if I felt not so good, I took them... if I felt really shitty, I took two of them.  Yeah... not a good plan.

The second time, I was in a horrible pit of depression in the midst of my relationship with the evil ex.  When I told him that I had gone to the doctor to get anti-depressants, he mocked me, called it pathetic and weak.  He then used it as a way to insult me when we would get in arguments.  I would find out he was cheating, or that he had lied about something, or that he was sneaking around, or whatever, we would get into a fight, and he would grab my bottle of pills and fling them at me, telling me to take more of them, to take ten of them "because they're obviously not fucking working."  Because it was the pills that weren't working, because I had something wrong with me... not him, he was fine, it was obviously me and the pills, that's why I was so upset about him cheating.

So, I clearly have not had the greatest experiences with anti-depressants... but I'm at the point where something needs to be done.  I can't deal with this constant anxiety and depression.

Hopefully I go to Gwangju tomorrow.  I'll see how I feel in the morning, I guess.  Fingers crossed, loves.

Anyways, it's 12:30, so, I think I'm going to watch a movie and fall asleep.

Thanks for listening to my bitch fest.

Toodles <3