Wednesday, January 26, 2011

i got, desperate desires and unadmirable plans...

I don't know how to deal.

I will admit that to you, dear reader.

I constantly feel as though my world in caving in on me, like I have fluid in my lungs, and, as I go through my day, I am slowly drowning.  Slowly and painfully drowning, and no one knows it, but me.

It is Wednesday, now, and I haven't left my house since last Friday.

It would be so easy to say that this is due to laziness.  God, I wish this was due to laziness.  At least if this was due to laziness, I could just sit here and be ashamed of myself for that and then do something about it.  Laziness is easy to overcome, you just tell yourself to stop being lazy and do what you want to do.

I'm up by nine thirty every day.  I brush my teeth, I get dressed, I put on makeup most days, I brush my hair... and then it stops there.

It doesn't stop there all the time, some days I'm totally fine, I feel awesome, and I just leave and go do my thing.

I'm not afraid of people, hell, people who have worked with me know that I refuse to take bullshit from anyone.  I can be a total loudmouth, and I have no problem walking up to any customer and striking up a conversation.

I'm not afraid of public spaces.

I don't know what I'm afraid of.

Is it fear?  I don't think it's fear or a phobia... I just feel like I'm being crushed.  You know, when people say it feels like there's an elephant sitting on their chest?  It feels like that.

I can't breathe.

I can't make myself put on my jacket and shoes.

I can't make myself undo the three locks on the door.

I can't make myself leave.

What the fuck is holding me back?  Why is there this imaginary net in front of my door that holds me back?

I make plans, in my mind.

It's 1:30, and, today I wanted to go to the old downtown, take my tattoo design to the studio where I'll be getting it done, to make an appointment, and to get coffee and ride around on the bus listening to my iPod.  I am clearly dressed and ready to go, and I have been since 11 am:

So, why am I blogging instead of doing?  I have no idea.

That's my front door in the picture.  I can take a picture in front of it... but will I actually go outside today?

I don't know.

I want to say yes.

But, right now I'm thinking of leaving, and my heart is pounding, and I'm having trouble breathing.

There's worse days.  Sometimes, I think about leaving, and I start bawling.

This only happens to me on days where I don't have routine.  On days when I work, I'm fine, I get up, get ready, and do my day, no anxiety, I'm fine.  Obligations.

It's the days off, where I have no ACTUAL obligations, that I have trouble.  Unless, I make plans with someone, then it's obligation that makes me go out my front door.  Do I still feel panicky?  Yes, but, I go.

I've always had anxiety.  I don't know what my anxiety is about, though.  It feels like I'm anxious just about being alive.  It's the "what ifs."  What if _____________ happens?

It holds me back from experiencing everything the way I wish I could.

I have all of this vacation time, and I could be going places, and doing things, but, I'm not... because I can't do it alone.

Granted, travel outside of Korea would have been hard to organize, because they kept changing my winter camp dates and length, so, I couldn't book a plane ticket or arrange for visas to travel.  But... would I have gone?

Simply put, no.

I can't.  I just can't travel alone.  The "what ifs" take over, and I feel sick, and panicky, and I can't do it.  I'm even afraid to go to Seoul by myself.  I want to, so badly, but every time I think about it, all of this anxiety builds up, and I start to feel sick, and I start to worry, and I feel like I can't.  And then I won't.

I don't even know how I moved to Korea.

I want to take a day trip to Gwangju tomorrow.  By myself.  Go shopping, buy MAC lipstick, get gifts for my family and friends back home, because I'm leaving in a month.

I've been going back and forth about it for days.

I can doooo it, I'll be fineeeeeee... it's no big deal, take a bus there, Shinsegae department store is attached to the bus terminal, MAC is in the department store, and then take a taxi to the shopping area, find cool stuff, take a taxi back to the bus terminal, and come home.  I should be FINE.

I'm going to get lost.  I'm going to get on the wrong bus.  I'll get into the taxi and tell the driver where I need to go, and none of them will understand me and I'll be stuck in Gwangju.  I'll get lost.  Something bad is going to happen.

It's a constant back and forth, and it never stops.

Will I or won't I?  Who knows...

I would just like to say that I actually DID venture out of the house today.  I psyched myself up at around 2:30, and took that as a sign to dash for the door.

It's like I have to trick myself into leaving, how ridiculous is that?

Anyways, I went to the tattoo parlour, and rang the bell, twice, but no one answered, I felt stupid standing there and waiting, like maybe someone was judging me.  So, I left, got coffee from the coffee shop that has really flirty and cute barrista men (what the eff do you call a male barrista?), which I subsequently spilled a bit of on a girl on the bus when the driver slammed on the brakes and then the gas right after, throwing everyone around, resulting me crying "Mianhamnida!  Miandhamnida!" over and over again while offering her friggin' crumpled receipts because I didn't have tissues.  Felt like a total asshole for the next hour, and was on the verge of tears.  Rode the bus to the end of its route, got on another bus, which I've taken a million times before, but it had changed its route recently, I guess.  Had a mini panic attack that I was going to Dolsan Island or something.  The bus went in the right direction, and I went back to Shinae, walked back to the tattoo parlour, made an appointment for Friday at six, walked back to the bus, had a group of little girls ask me if I was pregnant--thanks : ( stupid ill fitting winter jacket--and then went home.

Yes, I just randomly ride the bus.  It gives me a chance to be out of the house and listen to my iPod and just be moving.

My fear of doing things, and my horrifyingly bad depression that I've been experiencing for the past while have made me decide that I'm going to find a doctor and get some meds when I get back to Canada.  I can't cope with this bullshit anymore.  And, while the therapy I've been enrolled in for the past while has been helping me cope with what I went through with the evil ex, it's been doing VERY LITTLE to help me deal with my depression and anxiety.

I've been on meds twice for depression.  The first time was fresh out of high school, just as I was starting university.  I will admit that I was not the best at adhering to the recommended way of taking said medications.  Basically, if I felt okay, I didn't take them, if I felt not so good, I took them... if I felt really shitty, I took two of them.  Yeah... not a good plan.

The second time, I was in a horrible pit of depression in the midst of my relationship with the evil ex.  When I told him that I had gone to the doctor to get anti-depressants, he mocked me, called it pathetic and weak.  He then used it as a way to insult me when we would get in arguments.  I would find out he was cheating, or that he had lied about something, or that he was sneaking around, or whatever, we would get into a fight, and he would grab my bottle of pills and fling them at me, telling me to take more of them, to take ten of them "because they're obviously not fucking working."  Because it was the pills that weren't working, because I had something wrong with me... not him, he was fine, it was obviously me and the pills, that's why I was so upset about him cheating.

So, I clearly have not had the greatest experiences with anti-depressants... but I'm at the point where something needs to be done.  I can't deal with this constant anxiety and depression.

Hopefully I go to Gwangju tomorrow.  I'll see how I feel in the morning, I guess.  Fingers crossed, loves.

Anyways, it's 12:30, so, I think I'm going to watch a movie and fall asleep.

Thanks for listening to my bitch fest.

Toodles <3


  1. oh tara! theres nothing to be afraid of!! Your going to regret not going out and staying in! How many opportunities like this do you get? You just have to make yourself do it!!


  2. Tara, I have and still do go through the thinks you have mentioned above. If you want my take, let me know. I could email you. I won't do anything unless you agree that I am not creeping you out. :) There are better days ahead dear.

  3. You can talk to your therapist about more than the ex, more than your depression, more than what you're talking about because your emotions are a compilation of every aspect of your life.

    I know exactly how you feel; I know what it's like to just do nothing, for hours, because if you do something you might fuck it up. Any task, no matter how mundane causes anxiety that doesn't go away and doesn't make sense.

    You are not weak for wanting medicine. You are not weak for wanting therapy. Those two things have made my life completely different and without them I'd still be sitting on my living room floor crying every time anything happened. I'd never have made any decisions for fear of failing. I’d never have become who I'm on my way to becoming.

    I love you. Every bit of you. And I want you to know that I see all the potential in you you're having trouble seeing right now. You can beat this, you can feel better, and you can make a change, because unlike your ex, you see the issues and want to fix them. You know where you're unhappy and are making effort. Don't see yourself as weak, because you're not. Not at all.

  4. i agree with Denise. I'm glad you can see the problem and want to deal with it. Someone we know didn't deal with it till he had a nervous breakdown after years of going through depression. Now he is feeling better cause he got help but it took the breakdown. Don't let it get to that. Also, you have the gift of being artistic in your writing and art so remember that artistic people are usually more emotional than most. As well as take care of it, use how you feel to be artistic. Emotions create books and art and music. And get the help you need. Love you and hope you are ok.

  5. The first step is always the hardest. It took living in Mexico for three months before I came to the realization that I enjoy my own company. Start small -- go see a movie by yourself. You're distracted that way. Read a book in a shopping centre. It's hard when you're alone in a foreign country and it feels like everyone is staring at you. I know the feeling. Best of luck!

  6. i have the same problem. when something is work related, i get up and go.
    but even on a day when the only things i have to do are fun things, like go to the craft store, or get my hair cut, i get super overwhelmed. especially if i try and schedule more than one thing. i sit there and think, OMG, i have to go here, and then, i have to go TO ANOTHER PLACE!!! it's totally irrational, and i can't exactly pin point what it is that i'm afraid of. i just am.
    so i might not feel exactly the same way you do, but i can totally relate!

    i think that anti-depressants are SUPER tricky, but if you get on the right one, also SUPER helpful. you just have to give them time.

    keep your chin up! you'll be okay!!

  7. As someone who's been in Korea nearly three years, I can understand how hard it is to face what's outside that door sometimes. But you will regret not going out and doing what you want to. You don't have lots of time left in this country and I'd hate to see you regret not making better use of it. One foot in front of the other and you'll be ou t that door. Trust me, you will feel better once your out the door and on your way. Staying in and dreading only builds the anticipation and anxiety and only reinforces the desire to stay in.

    Go to Gwangju and have a great time! If you don't want to take a cab, you can hop on either bus 9 or bus 1000 to get to downtown.


  8. I have days like this too. I find it's just better to conquer my fears and do something on the very edge of my comfort zone (like take a trip semi-farish) and it makes going somewhere closer so much easier. You should go out and explore, Korea is a nice place. I lived there for several years and I miss it!

  9. Tara, order two extra shots of espresso to dump in that coffee and ride around Korea like a clown in a miniature car powered by ROCK.

    In all seriousness, keep the extra espresso, but ditch the clown car.

    Anxiety is normal. Especially after experiencing a nightmarish relationship and break-up. I don't know what makes it so difficult to get out and move around. But please go out and experience the world. I have to live vicariously through you since I will probably never have the chance to visit Korea.

  10. *hugs* I am so sorry to hear about your anxiety. I do know that things are best dealt with a little at a time. Hang in there!

  11. I understand where you're coming from. But you have to overcome it, I know it's difficult and it might seem impossible. But you're capable of more than you even know. Stay strong. <3

    <3Chelsea Elizabeth

  12. @Natasha: Haha, yeah, I totally do just have to make myself do it... I only have a month left here, and there's some things I need to do before I leave, or I'll regret it forever.

    @ib: I would love to hear your take on things! My e-mail is if you want to drop me a message

    @Denise: Thank you for that. It is really hard for me to see the potential right now, but, I'm hoping that that will change with time. I definitely have a huge fear of failing, or fucking things up, and it's a large part of what holds me back. As for the therapist, it's all just kind of hard to work with while i'm here, I have to do my sessions over the phone because she's all the way across the country from me, haha. so, I'm hoping that when I get back to Canada, and find someone in person, things will change.

    @Aunty Darlene: Yeah, I'm definitely trying to make things better for myself, it's just really really hard some days.

    @Laina: Yeah, the whole foreign country aspect, where people feel the need to stare at you definitely contributes to me not wanting to leave the house some days. I dig riding the bus around aimlessly and listening to my iPod, though, haha. Or reading in coffee shops!

    @Jess: Yes! It's entirely overwhelming. I'm attempting to plan to go to Seoul next week, and just trying to figure out the subway stops and how to get to more than one place each day is making my mind feel like it's going to explode. I don't know what I'm so afraid of or worried about, either.

    @Zach: It's entirely true, once I go outside and tell myself that I'm going to do what I set out to do, things seem to go a lot smoother, even if it feels like I'm forgetting to breathe sometimes, haha. I really don't want to go home regretting not doing things I wanted to do.

    @Tellie: Korea is great, and I really do love it here. the problem is definitely me, and not Korea, for the most part, haha. Going to Gwangju by myself made me feel a lot more capable, so, that's nice.

    @Jas: Haha, yes, massive amounts of caffeine definitely seem to help, that's for sure! If you ever DO get the chance to visit Korea, though, you really really should, Korea is amazing.

    @Teacher Girl: Exactly, I'm trying to deal with it bit by bit. Although, I feel like my potential trip to Seoul next week will be entirely overwhelming.

    @Chelsea Elizabeth: Thank you! I know I can do it... I always manage once I leave the house. It's making myself leave that I have all the trouble with.

  13. wow. i think we could be the same person.
    i have been researching for a while for natural supplements to help with my panic and anxiety (as a bottle of zoloft stares at me in my kitchen cabinet).
    i have started inositol, it's sort of a b vitamin. strange i know. you should research it. it has been proven to be just as effective treating panic, anxiety, ocd(i think every seriously anxious person has this) as an anti depressant and without the nasty side effect. very, very interesting.
    also a b complex vitamin with vitamin c and passionflower.
    email if you want if you have questions. i totally understand.


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