rainy day...

Actually yesterday was rainy, today was sunny, but cold.  My mood, however, has been kind of rainy.

Not to say that things haven't been good at school and such, they have been--aside from a few annoyances (See: teacher who sat in my super quiet office for over an hour--despite the fact that I was the only teacher in there, and we were unable to communicate because he speaks only Korean and I only speak enough Korean to get by in a few situations--sucking on his teeth every two seconds)

I've been trying to take pictures of all of my classes before the end of term, just as a little keepsake for me to have.  I'm going to miss these kids so much, it breaks my heart that I have to leave them behind.  Maybe that's why I've been feeling kind of rainy lately.

After taking a picture with my last class of the day, one of the boys came up to me and asked me if I would "advice" his textbook.  "Advice your book?"  I asked.  He wanted me to sign his book for him and leave him with a little bit of advice.  How cute is that?  I told him "good luck with next year.  Study hard and remember to have fun!  From, Tara Teacher" and then I signed it and drew my little fish that I draw with my signature sometimes.

I don't think I'll get students that want my autograph when I start teaching in Canada... it's just entirely different here.  My kids give me hugs and follow me around the school... they tell me they love me, and they hold my hand when we walk through the hallways.  I feel wanted here, I feel needed, I feel loved, I feel appreciated.

I guess I've just been reminiscent of what this year has held for me.  It hasn't been an easy year, I left my family and friends behind to move across the world... and I lost a family.

When R and I broke up, I didn't just lose him, I lost a family that I loved.  A three year relationship ended five days before our anniversary.  He spent so much time claiming he loved me, while cheating on me with multiple people all along; he told me he wanted a life with me, a family, a future... that he wanted to marry me.

He promised me that when I got back, that we would move to Calgary together and that he would leave behind the people that he was letting mess up our lives, that we would start fresh and new, that I wouldn't have to worry about him cheating.  So, why would it take moving away for him to let go of the negative influences, for him to stop cheating?  If he had really loved me, wouldn't stopping all of that have been a non-issue?  Wouldn't he have just done it?  Without havint to move?

Five days before our three year anniversary, he broke up with me through a facebook message.  He didn't even have the decency to skype me to do it... he used a facebook message.

He told me it was for the good of his family...

A family that I loved, maybe even more than he did.

I had been buying gifts and presents to send back to them since I had got here.  I always thought about him, thought about them.  They were my second family, they were as close to my heart as my own family... I LOVED THEM.

And he told me that he was leaving me for the good of his family.

Because I demanded respect from him.

Because I demanded the he treat me with the common courtesies afforded to all people.

Because I told him I wouldn't stand for him cheating on me anymore.

Because I asked him if he thought of me as his family, and when he responded yes, I asked him if he would talk to his mother the way he talked to me.

If he would call her a selfish bitch because she was upset that he couldn't provide her with common courtesies, like letting her know he might be late... at least two hours late... all of the time.

If he would tell her how worthless she was, over and over again.

If he would say to her that he knew he could do whatever he wanted to her, because he knew she would always let him come crawling back.

If he would demean her on a regular basis like she was the most worthless thing in his life.

I dwell a lot, I guess.  I've just been feeling particularly melancholy lately... broken.

Sorry for the depressing post.