Tuesday, December 14, 2010

rainy day...

Actually yesterday was rainy, today was sunny, but cold.  My mood, however, has been kind of rainy.

Not to say that things haven't been good at school and such, they have been--aside from a few annoyances (See: teacher who sat in my super quiet office for over an hour--despite the fact that I was the only teacher in there, and we were unable to communicate because he speaks only Korean and I only speak enough Korean to get by in a few situations--sucking on his teeth every two seconds)

I've been trying to take pictures of all of my classes before the end of term, just as a little keepsake for me to have.  I'm going to miss these kids so much, it breaks my heart that I have to leave them behind.  Maybe that's why I've been feeling kind of rainy lately.

After taking a picture with my last class of the day, one of the boys came up to me and asked me if I would "advice" his textbook.  "Advice your book?"  I asked.  He wanted me to sign his book for him and leave him with a little bit of advice.  How cute is that?  I told him "good luck with next year.  Study hard and remember to have fun!  From, Tara Teacher" and then I signed it and drew my little fish that I draw with my signature sometimes.

I don't think I'll get students that want my autograph when I start teaching in Canada... it's just entirely different here.  My kids give me hugs and follow me around the school... they tell me they love me, and they hold my hand when we walk through the hallways.  I feel wanted here, I feel needed, I feel loved, I feel appreciated.

I guess I've just been reminiscent of what this year has held for me.  It hasn't been an easy year, I left my family and friends behind to move across the world... and I lost a family.

When R and I broke up, I didn't just lose him, I lost a family that I loved.  A three year relationship ended five days before our anniversary.  He spent so much time claiming he loved me, while cheating on me with multiple people all along; he told me he wanted a life with me, a family, a future... that he wanted to marry me.

He promised me that when I got back, that we would move to Calgary together and that he would leave behind the people that he was letting mess up our lives, that we would start fresh and new, that I wouldn't have to worry about him cheating.  So, why would it take moving away for him to let go of the negative influences, for him to stop cheating?  If he had really loved me, wouldn't stopping all of that have been a non-issue?  Wouldn't he have just done it?  Without havint to move?

Five days before our three year anniversary, he broke up with me through a facebook message.  He didn't even have the decency to skype me to do it... he used a facebook message.

He told me it was for the good of his family...

A family that I loved, maybe even more than he did.

I had been buying gifts and presents to send back to them since I had got here.  I always thought about him, thought about them.  They were my second family, they were as close to my heart as my own family... I LOVED THEM.

And he told me that he was leaving me for the good of his family.

Because I demanded respect from him.

Because I demanded the he treat me with the common courtesies afforded to all people.

Because I told him I wouldn't stand for him cheating on me anymore.

Because I asked him if he thought of me as his family, and when he responded yes, I asked him if he would talk to his mother the way he talked to me.

If he would call her a selfish bitch because she was upset that he couldn't provide her with common courtesies, like letting her know he might be late... at least two hours late... all of the time.

If he would tell her how worthless she was, over and over again.

If he would say to her that he knew he could do whatever he wanted to her, because he knew she would always let him come crawling back.

If he would demean her on a regular basis like she was the most worthless thing in his life.

I dwell a lot, I guess.  I've just been feeling particularly melancholy lately... broken.

Sorry for the depressing post.


  1. It's okay to rant on your posts sometimes. You're a strong woman and you should know that. Keep your spirit up and take those challenges head on!

    For the meantime you can check out those Korean boy bands. I dunno if you like them but the girls say they're hot.I go for SNSD. :)

  2. sounds like you are better off without him! maybe in time you can reconnect with his family, but don't be surprised if they side with him :/ super lame :(
    maybe you'll find a newer, cuter, nicer, non-cheaty bf in canada :D

  3. Hmm... like what has been said, it's okay to rant sometimes. It's part of the healing of getting over someone. By the sounds of it, this love and devotion was a one-way street... it needs to be a two-way to be successful.

    It hurts now... it may even hurt for a long time afterwards, even after you find someone new, because there's the knowing of being used in your heart. I've been in the same boat before... finding someone new doesn't help with the pain of being cheated on and used.

    Love yourself more and more, everyday, Tara. That's what will help the most... tell yourself-- no... convince yourself-- that you're worth so much better than that. Make it a truth in your life. It looks like you're on the right track... =)

    I really enjoy reading your blog. Your life is so interesting... =)

  4. Thanks for your kind words, everyone. I was definitely having a bad day, and I most certainly am better off without him.

    Maybe I will get back in touch with his mom when I return home, maybe not... I contemplated sending her a Christmas card, but I didn't know if that would be appropriate or not.

    I did send them the gifts that I had bought for all of them after R and I broke up... I still wanted them to have them.

    All in all, I know that having to deal with the stuff that R put me through will make me a stronger person.

    It's been about 4 months since we broke up, and things are getting a lot easier, but I still have bad days where I get really upset, as evidenced by yesterday's post, haha.

    I do hope to find someone who will actually treat me right when I return to Canada, and I am sure that I will someday!

    And, yes, the boy bands here are amazing, the guys in them are so beautiful.

    I plan on kidnapping T.O.P. from Big Bang and taking him back to Canada with me:

    Yum! Haha

  5. Damn girl, I'd steal him away too... <3 (Just don't tell my Laosian boyfriend who happens to look Korean, lol).

  6. He's pretty much the prettiest Korean I've ever seen... and he looks even more attractive in his music videos! There is no end to his hotness, hahaha

    Interesting that your boyfriend looks Korean! Koreans have such distinct features, I find that most other people from Asian cultures rarely ever look like Koreans!

  7. Tara you have a really amazing blog.

    This post must have been tough to write. I know how you feel about breaking up with not just the guy but his family and even friends. Sometimes that part seems even harder because friends and family are forever and boyfriends aren't a sure thing until they become husbands. You seem like a very strong person. I look forward to reading more of your blogs!

  8. Thank you, I really enjoy your blog, as well!

    Yeah, I was having a particularly rough day this day. Losing his family has been such a hard thing to deal with, his mom is such an amazing woman, and she always made me feel so welcome and loved. I miss her so much, and it breaks my heart when i think about her.

    To be honest, R would have been a terrible husband, for many reasons, and I am so lucky to have been able to free myself from that relationship... but that's a matter for another day, haha.

    Thank you, I don't feel like a strong person all of the time, but I manage to pull myself together, keep my chin up, and move along... I know that I have the strength inside of me, it's just hard to see sometimes.


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