Hopefully, this is the only time I ever do this in this blog. I don't want this to be one of -those- blogs.
I left a lot of anxiety behind in Canada, and, for the first while, it had seemed to have stayed there. Unfortunately, it's back, and stronger than ever.
I left a tumultuous relationship in Canada. I will not go into the details, other than to say that I loved him more than anything, and despite many misgivings and hurtful actions towards me, I still do love him.
We stayed together for my first two months here. That was the agreement, we would try and make this work. Unfortunately, his view of making this work consisted of 1 email, created only out of the fact that I sent him an email first, and three or four short conversations on Facebook... in two months. That was the extent of the effort, and I soon became jaded and upset.
Why? Why would he tell me he wanted to make this work, and give me all of these grand plans for how we were going to make this work, and how, I would come back and we would get married and live happily ever after, and then, when I left, it was almost like I ceased to exist in his mind. I tried to tell him numerous times, to no avail, empty promises of trying harder. So, after trying too many times, and becoming disenchanted with this ever working, I told him I couldn't do it anymore.
It should be noted here that we've broken up a million times before. I've been left feeling hollow and used, crying for months... and then I take him back every damn time. No one ever believes it anymore when we break up. We're one of -those- couples.
The problem, the reason it never sticks: I love him too damn much... and, deep down, I hope he loves me that much, too. He says he does.
Either way, I have come to realize that dealing with heart ache in another country, so far away from your loved ones, is hard. And confusing. And it makes you feel like you're having a breakdown. Maybe I am having a breakdown.
I don't want this to define my year here, I want to be able to experience all that Korea has to offer, I want to live life and do crazy shit that I know I'll never get to do again... but some days my heart hurts so bad that it makes the rest of me hurt, too.
We had a month long fight. We blocked each other from every part of our respective lives... except email. We can never just get rid of each other... there's something about three years of dating and four years of being best friends that stops a person from being able to just remove someone from their life entirely. I never recommend dating a friend, even if this whole thing works out. It's too messy, too complicated, too painful, there's too much on the line.
We wanted to get married, we made plans to get married, have a life together, but it seems as though everything is telling us no. But we keep trying, and trying, and trying, and trying, and trying, and trying, and trying, and trying... and then there's more trying. It fucking sucks, excuse the language.
So, after fighting for a month, having a mid-week meltdown that I had to deal with by myself (loud music + crying + sitting on my bathroom floor with the shower on + bottle of soju = bad news bears [apologies to Noreen for the weepy, emo, "I'm going to die alone" facebook message, and many thanks for making me feel at least better enough that I could stop crying long enough to go to sleep]... luckily many Koreans go to work extremely hungover on a regular basis. I just told them I was homesick), we've resolved to supposedly give this another try. Again. For the millionth time. I -had- blocked his email, resolved that I could handle losing him. I couldn't. I unblocked him shortly after I blocked him in the first place.
So, what has this new episode included so far? Me, trying to fix things, and him ignoring my emails and phone calls until I reach the breaking point and tell him I quit, at which point he assures me he loves me and that he just needs time. Does he love me? If he did, wouldn't he want to fix this, not go out and get plastered all the time and ignore me? Or is that just me?
Either way, I'm reaching my wit's end. I'm tired of being ignored, and having my fears that this will not change be realized. Is this even a viable future relationship? If he doesn't have the time to keep in contact with me here, to send me emails and arrange skype dates, and talk on stupid facebook chat, how will he have time for a marriage and a family?
This makes me feel stupid. This whole relationship has made me feel stupid. I'm in love with someone who makes me feel expendable... but every time I go to leave, we fight and fight and fight, and he waves our future in front of my face like a prize I'll never have, and tells me how much he loves me and how he'll never move on and he'll always wait for me... and I fall for it every damn time, like an idiot, and always come back, and things never change. He has me wrapped around his finger, and I hate it. NEVER DATE A FRIEND.
I told him that this was up to him now. Two weeks of trying to get him to do the work to pull this back together, two weeks of trying to get him to communicate, two weeks of trying to get him to put in the effort, two weeks of ignored phone calls and emails... well, if he really does want this so bad, then he can do the work now. This is effing ridiculous. I told him that the ball is in his court... where I'm pretty damn sure it will just get kicked to the side and forgotten about... until I come back to Canada, at which point, all of a sudden he'll been keen to put effort and interest in again, after getting his fill, yet again, of single life while still, actually, in a relationship with me.
I should just get a rabbit, they're way less complicated and douchebaggy. And at least rabbits are the cute kind of hairy, and you can train them.
So, here's to change, and me growing a pair of balls--figuratively, of course--if that change never comes.
In the meanwhile, I have to hang my laundry to dry (I miss clothes dryerssssssss), and I'm going to buy an exercise bike tomorrow, so I can watch Sex and the City all damn night and work my ass off--literally.
I swear this will be the last time my blog update consists of me complaining about my love life. How embarrassing. But, really, I just needed to vent.